Say what....?

Rasa lama pulak ye tak update. Aku takda mood lately. It's the time of the month. Paham-paham jer lah ok.

Thesis aku so far ok alhamdulillah. Tuh nanti lah aku cerita detail ok. Not in the mood. Actually, someone spoiled kan mood aku. I mean, i am not actually in the mood, and ada someone terukkan lagi mood tuh. Huhuhuhuhuhu. Can u imagine how bad it get? No? Takyah imagine. It the worst ever! I mean for now. Huhuhuhuhuhuhu.

Ok. Macam nih. Aku bagi situasi lah ye. Situasi nih maybe macam remeh, tapi not for me yang tengah not in a mood. It goes like this.

There's this one person, very very very dear to me asking questions about something. So, since i am used to that thing which is her problem (yeah, it's a HER. a very dear friend), aku explain lah kan tanpa banyak soal. Then, suddenly aku rasa macam nak tanya lah kan apsal tiba-tiba jer tanya kan. Out of the blue moon, tiba-tiba tanya benda yang bukan dibuat kebiasaan hari. I mean things you actually planned like ages before you go for it. And there she goes, asking me thru phone. Which is likely to be weird since she hadn't been calling me for ages.

And then dia pulak cakap saja jer tanya sebab saja jer try nak main-main jer. Takda apa pun. Ok fine. Tak kesahlah kan. Then suddenly dia pulak tiba-tiba like explaining why she asked me in the 1st place, which actually bercanggah dengan reason dia sebelum tuh. Totally, way way way way not even close to the 1st reason.

Takut ke aku marah? Well, aku maybe marah or a bit terasa hati lah kan kalau dia cakap betol-betol in the 1st place. But not as deeper as it feel bila dengar yang the 1st reason actually tak betol. Am not saying dia tipu, but dia belit-belitkan sesuatu benda yang actually simple jer.

Sakit hati ok bila orang yang rapat dengan kita actually hiding things from us. Not totally hiding them, tapi berkias or membelitkan fakta before he/she gets to the point. Lagi sedih bila fikirkan balik, kawan rapat kita terasa makin jauh dari kita. Biasalah, bila dah dikelilingi ramai kawan baru, ramai kawan-kawan lain, diberi perhatian oleh semua orang, kita nih dah macam bayang-bayang jer. Nampak bila berseorangan. Bila rasa sedih. Bila rasa memerlukan. Ok aku ringkaskan. Kita hanya dipandang bila orang macam nih rasa orang-orang yang ada sekeliling dia tak bagi perhatian dekat dia.

Aku lately tengok cerita HIMYM tuh. And there's this one episode lah kan tajuk "Hooked". Maybe dalam tuh dia tunjukkan pasal percintaan. Tappi aku rasa dalam friendship pun ada something like that. Which actually we are hooked by/to someone. You know, bila seseorang tuh ada kawan baik, tapi bila kawan baik dia tuh pun ada kawan baik lain, dia perlukan orang lain untuk ganti tempat kawan baik dia bila kawan baik dia takda dengan dia. Contohlah, A kawan baik dengan B. B pun ada kawan baik iaitu C. Bila B n C keluar sama-sama, A nih takda teman dah nak kemana-mana or nak borak-borak or anything lah dengan dia. Suddenly, there's D. Someone who happened to be there. So this someone thought dia tuh kawan baik dengan A sebab A selalu carik dia, which D tak perasan sebenarnya A gunakan dia hanya untuk hilangkan boring, dapatkan perhatian sementara menunggu B ada balik dengan dia. Paham tak? (cuba paham)

Aku rasa aku dalam situasi D. You know, a person someone akan carik bila dia takda orang lain dah nak carik. Bila dia ada orang yang rapat dengan dia, aku nih hanya bayangan jer. It's weird tau. Sebab we used to share things. Cerita macam-macam. Kritik macam-macam. Tell stories about our everyday lives. Bagitau plans yang nak dibuat. Keluar pergi mana. Buat apa. I mean yelah, share things. Borak-borak just aboout everythings. Do catch-ups about our daily lives. Even kadang-kadang mention tengah keluar pergi mana just to show that we remember our friend. I mean, bukan lah nak kena bagi tau 24/7. But yeah, the thoughts you know. Like sending a text saying "Hey, im going to watch movies today. Awak buat apa hari nih? Have fun tau!" I mean weekends kan?? We usually ask our dearest ones things like that.

But then again, i am D. The one yang selalu tunggu that so call a DEAR friend to even text. I mean tengah-tengah SMS, tau-tau hilang. That's ok lagi. Maybe busy. Oh no no, dia pergi tengok movies. She's having fun out there leaving me waiting for her replies. Damn it i shouldn't have wait!

Things aren't the same. I dont know, maybe she's meeting her old friend, and whatnot. Who am i kidding here? I am no one compare to all of them. I am D! The left out.

Sedih ok. I think that things are getting worse. Makin hari aku rasa aku makin kehilangan kawan aku nih. Tiap kali aku tengok FB dia, dia hepi sangat dengan kawan-kawan dia yang dia baru jumpa balik. Dia hepi sangat dengan semua orang yang ada dengan dia. Tiap kali dia senyap, aku tau mana dia pergi. Carik kawan-kawan dia dekat FB. Kadang-kadang benda yang dah lama berlaku dekat dia, aku baru dapat tau, itu pun sebab aku tengok kawan-kawan dia dekat FB komen-komen dekat wall dia. Itu pun aku pendam and tak bertanya apa-apa sebab dia tak pernah sebut pun depan aku.

Well, if she's happy with them, I am fine with it. Just aku harap kalau dia baca entry aku nih, aku nak dia tau yang aku terasa hati sangat-sangat. Dia dah mula jauh. Aku terasa sangat dia makin jauh. Even kata-kata dia pun tak sama dah macam dulu. Maybe aku tak seperfect kawan-kawan dia yang lain. Aku perasan dia mula jauh dari aku bila kawan-kawan dia yang dulu mula muncul balik.

Just don't hurt me. I know you will find me whenever you have problems with your bestest friend. You know you can count on me. But at least, don't see thru me. Saya bukan seseorang yang boleh awak guna untuk hilangkan boring awak, legakan amarah awak. Saya bukan batu. Saya ada hati. Jangan ingat saya tak terasa sebab saya diam, tapi sebab awak tak mendengar betol-betol. Awak bukan macam dulu, awak dah tak boleh nak agak pun my gesture. Awak dah tak boleh nak agak pun bila saya kecik hati. Awak dah tak sensitif pasal perasaan saya. Awak bukan awak yang dulu. Saya rindu awak yang dulu.

Ok. Dah luah dah. Actually it's good to have a blog. Sebab dekat cnih lah aku boleh luah semua perkara, sampai aku abis cerita, tanpa ada yang mencelah atau menghakimi aku sebelum sempat tau the full story. I just need my friend back. The one who listen to me and give me pieces of words, the calming ones. Not the hurtful ones. Yeah, i miss the old you.

Selamat pagi semua. Selamat kembali ke weekdays :)

p/s: sedih sangat-sangat. :(