Sunday, October 30, 2011

Hidup tak selalunya senang.

Tak semua benda mudah diterima.

Tak semua benda harus diterima.

Tapi tak semua benda boleh ditolak sebulatnya.

Kadang-kadang, apa yang kita tak suka, tak semestinya tak elok untuk orang lain.

Cuma setiap manusia ada pilihan dan cita rasa sendiri.

Tak salah berangan.

Cuma kena kembali ke realiti.

Dan janganlah punahkan angan-angan orang.

Hanya sebab kita tak rasa angan-angan tuh boleh jadi realiti.

Kita pun tak nak orang pandang serong angan-angan kita.

Kita tak sempurna.

Tiada manusia yang sempurna.

Belajar terima orang lain.

Kerana akhirnya nanti, orang yang kita selalu tak endahkan, mungkin akan membantu kita.

Sayangi orang lain, sebagaimana kita mahu disayangi.

Terima orang lain sebagaimana kita mahu orang menerima kita.

Cuba faham orang lain, sebagaimana kita mahu orang memahami kita.

Tiada siapa mahu berseorangan.

Sentiasa terima kelemahan orang yang kita sayangi.

Aku menyanyangi sesiapa sahaja yang menyayagi aku.
Aku cuba bersabar dengan sesiapa sahaja selagi diriku boleh bertahan.
Aku cuba memahami selagi perlu.
Aku cuba menerima apa sahaja kelemahan.

Aku cuma minta perkara yang sama.
Aku bukan mainan.
Yang kau cari ketika bosan, ketika susah, ketika tiada yang lain.
Yang kau buang bila tak diperlukan

Manusia memang sentiasa berubah.

**just a random post**

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The beginning that ends

Aku rasa aku nih jarang betul nak rasa meluat dengan someone sampaikan tengok nma dia pun naik menyampah.
Except, ada certain people tuh lah.
Yang tuh memang tak boleh nak diselamatkan lagi.

And aku rasa akan ada lagi sorang yang akan masuk list tuh.
Aku dah lama bersabar.
Layan baik-baik.
Dia layan aku nih suka hati dia pun aku bersabar lagi.
Sebab aku hormat dia lagi.
Sebab aku masih dapat faham keadaan dia.
Maybe sebab terlampau busy ke apa kan.

Tapi sebaik-baik aku nih pun, bukanlah alasan dia nak judge aku suka hati.
Bukan alasan dia nak buat assumption itu ini.

Aku tak pernah pun nak bebel kat dia cakap dia tuh membuang masa aku.
Kejap ada, kejap hilang.
Time takda kawan lain, carik aku.
Time ada kawan lain, aku nih tak dihiraukan pun.
And bila dia carik aku balik, aku tak banyak komen pun.
Aku layan jer baik-baik.

But then, bila aku cuba nak fahamkan sesuata yang dia bagi tau,
bila aku cuba nak digest semua yang mungkin aku baru tau,
tiba-tiba pulak dia cakap buang masa explain dengan orang macam aku.
Selama nih dia cuba nak faham sesuatu,
sungguh-sungguh aku explain.
Panjang-panjang explaination aku.
Takda pulak aku cakap kat muka dia yang buang masa nak fahamkan dia.

Ohhh, selama nih kau rasa buang masa lah nak fahamkan aku?
Kalau dah macam tuh, kenapa kau timbulkan topik tuh?
Kenapa kau nak lagi contact orang macam aku?

Aku pelik lah orang macam nih.
Kejap kata aku jer yang paham bla bla bla.
Kejap lagi kata yang buruk-buruk pasal aku.

Apa yang dia nak ye?
Baik tak payah lah dia susah-susah nak contact aku dah kalau akhirnya buat bolayan jer.
Aku, in other hands, aku layan baik-baik jer.
Tuh masalah aku tuh, baik sangat ngan orang yang jahat ngan aku pun.

Aku benci bila orang layan aku macam aku nih tak penting.
Aku tak buat orang macam tuh, so janganlah buat aku macam tuh.
Tapi aku rasa, dia memang macam tuh.
As if semua yang dia cakap aku kena ikut and terima.
Kalau aku bertanya lebih, mulalah melenting.
Mulalah cakap aku itu aku ini.

Kalau kau setakat nak ambik kesempatan atas kebaikan and kesabaran aku,
baik kau pergi tempat lain.
Aku bukan tempat untuk kau berteduh bila kau tak ada orang lain.
Aku bukan barang untuk kau guna bila perlu je.
Aku ada hati.
Aku ada perasaan.
And aku semestinya bukan punching bag kau, or siapa-siapa jer.

Silalah try jaga hati orang.
Sila try faham perasaan orang.

Aku pernah cakap, jangan sampai aku meluat and menyampah.
Sekarang kau dah mula buat aku meluat.
Terlampau banyak kau sakitkan hati aku.

Aku tak tau apa masalahnya.
Aku buat baik pun kau layan macam sampah jugak akhirnya.
Apetah lagi kalau aku buat bodoh, lagi kau layan macam tak wujud.
Aku ingatkan kau muncul balik kali nih, kau dah berubah.
Jadi lebih mesra and baik and memahami.
Kau cakap konon nak jadi macam dulu. tapi...

What should I do?
Forget you totally? As if kita tak pernah berkawan?
I guess so.

Then, take care.
Aku tau kau akan baca entry nih eventually.
Aku malas nak cakap direct sebab kau memang tak makan saman.
Thanks lah ye untuk apa-apa jer.
Take care.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Beloved Grandma is super sick :(

Have I mentioned anything before about my beloved grandma?
Well, she's the only grandparent I have.
Both of my grandparents on my Dad's side are dead.
And on my Mom's side, I only have my grandma.

About 4 months back, which was in May, I went to Sibu.
My grandma was all healthy and active doing her roti canai business,
Did the marvellous cooking, watching Indonesia's sinetrons on TV and walking around the house.
Except that every night she would complain that her right arm going up to her right shoulder was in pain.
I mean like achings lahh.
So she would ask me to massage a bit and put ointment on it.
Then she would put koyok there and just went to sleep.

My mom and my uncles and aunties were trying to get her to see the doctor,
but then she said, it was just normal body aches (she was too stubborn).
So they stopped forcing her to see the doctors.

Then about a month or 2 after that, she suddenly couldn't move her right arm at all.
My mom forced her to go to Kuching and see some specialist here.
So, she came here and did all the checked ups with the orthopedic.
At the time, the diagnosed was that she had very brittle bones.
Since she's 76, with all sort off hypertension, diabetic and what not,
it is too risky to do a biopsy or even to do any minor operations coz she wouldn't be able to recover fast enough. She will be in too much pain.
So, the doctor gave her splint for her arm since she couldn't move her right arm.
At that moment, she was still able to walk, but using walking stick, the four legged stick.

Then suddenly about a week ago, my mom received a call from my Aunt (Udak) who is living with my grandma telling her that my grandma suddenly going into bedridden. She even have to use the diapers.
So my aunt, Mok (who's living in Sibu) called the ambulance.
She was admitted last Tuesday (4/10/2011) and my Mom went straight to Sibu the same night.
And my other Aunts and Uncles went the next day.

Her condition was so serious that she couldn't even move.
She's totally bedridden.
They have to put catheter for her to urinate.
She don't want to eat.
Refuse to take her prescriptions.
She behave just like a baby.
Whining on everything.
Refusing everything.
She only want her youngest child which is my Usu to fed her.

She hates my mother, ok, not hate but dislike, coz my mother is the one that forcing her to take her meds, the one giving bath, the one talking to the docs, the one dressing the bedsore oh her back. Simple word, acting like a daughter cum nurse.
So yeah, my Mom has to do the hardest part of all, that is why the dislike.

The worst part is, I am ok if she's sleeping.
I would hold her other hand.
Caress her hand, her forehead.
Even if I called her, she's so sound asleep she didn't want to wake up.
But when she's awake, I avoid her, especially her eye contact.

I know she'll always ask for me.
She always does.
But I can't make eye contact with her.
Everytime I see her, seeing me, it is like she's asking me for help.
Her eyes. It is a sad eyes.
Full of sadness.
I cried everytime I see her, seeing me helplessly.
I cried non-stop.
I got into our car, I cried again.
Everytime the image of her doing that popped into my mind, I cried.
I cried randomly at random places.
In the office.
In the car on the way back to Kuching.
At home while surfing the net, I cried.

She has been diagnosed with second stage multiple myeloma.
In English, cancer of the plasma cells in bone marrow.
It has spread to her lungs.
She can't move her legs.
The cancer cells also attack her bones.
Nothing much can be done.
My Mom said, she's now on TLC condition.
Tender, loving and care.
All we have to do is only take care of her as long as she's alive :(
Last 2 days, she had 2 pints of blood into her body.
The white blood cells is too much.
The oxygen level went 80%, that they have to put her on oxygen mask.

Ya Allah, she is so helpless.
Yesterday she was asking for roti john for her dinner.
She had never demand anything.
And now she got all the teringin mode on.
I am so sad.

I feel like quitting the job and go back to Sibu to take care of her.
Mom said today maybe she'll be discharged, depending on her oxygen level.
I am having the thoughts of caring for her,
But I am not sure if I am capable of doing it since I can't stand seeing her all sick and helpless.
Next week my Mom is going to Sibu with my other Aunt, Anjang.
So I said to Mom that I wanted to tag along.

Nenek, please be strong.
Please wait for me.
I wanted to take her for my graduation, but too bad, she's too sick.
I wanted to show her my graduation photos.
She haven't seen it yet.

Ya Allah, please give strengths to my Grandma.
Please give us all some more time with her.
I need her to see me getting permanent job.
I want to give her my very 1st permanent salary.
I want to be there with her when the time comes.
Please, Ya Allah.

I can't imagine my life without Nenek.
I can't picture myself going back to Sibu, and Nenek is not there.
From my childhood time till I am 23, everytime I am back in Sibu, I will sleep with Nenek.
If Nenek is not around, who else I am going to sleep with?
Who else will I talk to before bedtime?
Who else will cook curry with extra potatoes just because she knew how much I love potatoes?
Who else will stock up her fridge with all sort of veges just because she knew I love veges?
And most of all, who will smile happily when she sees me around, coming home to Sibu just to see her?

Ya Allah, I miss her so much already.
I want to see her :(

Sunday, October 2, 2011


I am done trying to be good.
Done trying to act like I didn't feel offended.
Done caring.
Done hoping.

I do care so much about people sometimes.
Especially the one closes to me.
But if they didn't even care about me caring for them,
Or they worry too much about it,
I guess I am done here.
And now, worry about me not caring at all.
Worry about me not giving any attention to you.

If I can spend at least a few minutes of my busy life just to get to you,
To just say hi,
So that we wont lose contact,
Why can't you?
Is it so hard?
I don't think it's hard.
Unless you make it hard.
Or you just use that "busy" as your excuse.

Well, hear this.
I won't bother paying much attention to you anymore.
I won't bother looking for you.
I won't bother asking you for anything.
I won't bother trying to update you with my life.
I just won't bother doing anything.
Because it's worth nothing to you.
And I am tired.
Giving attention to people who doesn't even bother.

Don't try looking for me when you have no one.
I have given you my timeless attention,
You didn't try to appreciate it.

So I am going to give my attention to someone else who deserves it more.
You never change.
You are you.
And I am sorry to myself that I still think that we can still be friends like we used to.
No, we actually can't.
I am trying, but you are not.
You didn't try hard enough.
You didn't try to accept me.
You only wait for the new me.

Just, thank you. For whatever.