The Gem of My Life

2 more weeks untuk majlis tahlil ke-40 arwah Nenek.
Not once in my daily life that I don't miss her.
Every single day, I would take minutes off just to say prayers for her.

There are so many memories with her, which made me confused sometimes.
They got mixed up whenever I am missing her.
Just too many.

Sometimes I cried of missing her.
Even sometimes, her voice, calling my name, echoed in the back of my mind.
I still can remember how her voice sounds like over the phone whenever I called her.

I still can remember her, smiling so cute and sheepishly whenever she asked me to comb off the skin psoriasis on her head.
Her laugh whenever we talked.
Her angry faces.
Her excitement in her voice whenever I called her from afar.

When I was a newborn, up until I was about 1 to 2 years old, she was the one taking care of me.
I stayed with her in Sibu for almost 2 years, while my parents working in Kuching.
Now you know why I was so fond of her.
And I just found out about this when we had the tahlil for the 20th night. How sad right?
And now I know why in the world that I have some special out of the world love for her.
And now I know why she always asked for me whenever I was on holidays.
If I couldn't go and spent time in Sibu with her, she'd come to Kuching, via bus, sometimes alone.
Ya Allah, a sacrifice a grandma did for a grand daughter.
And now, I am crying typing this.

Sometimes I wished I was dreaming and when I opened my eyes, she's here.
Sometimes I wished she's walking into my house, all smiling, and I got her hand to 'salam' her.
Sometimes I wished I am hugging her.
Sometimes I wished she's out there on the sofa watching her favorite Indonesian Sinetrons.
Sometimes I am waiting for her to call me from my room to help comb off the psoriasis on her head, like I always did.
Sometimes I wished I can request any meal from her, and she'll cooked it.
She never failed to cook anything I want.
She always did.
She would spare some meal just for me if I am not around because she knew I would love that.
She would help me sew my tore clothes, or sew the button on.
Sometimes I wished she's here to ask me to massage her back.

But wishes doesn't come true some times.
And she's not here anymore.
All I can do is close my eyes, and see her in the back of my mind.
Everything about her is still so clear.
So vivid, so real.
Her voices, her expressions, her laughs, her smiles, her love for me, her softness, everything.

Nek, kamek rindu kitak gilak-gilak Nek. Kamek rindu klaka ngan kitak. Kamek rindu nenga kitak ngerepak nangga cerita Indon. Kamek rindu masakan kitak. Kamek rindu pasal kitak yang selalu back up kamek. Kamek rindu kitak yang sik pernah nyebut pun hal berat kamek. Kamek rindu nenga kitak merik nasihat. Kamek rindu nenga kitak tetak-tetak bila kita berguro dengan Udak malam-malam di Sibo.Kamek rindu nenga kitak ngaji. Kamek rindu gilak kitak nekkk. 

Tonight, the elder sis of my late Nenek, we called her Nek Cik, passed away too.
She was staying at late Nenek's house too, never been married.
Udak took care of her too.
She's also bedridden for some times, even before my late Nenek did.

Al-fatihah to them.

It's time

Sebelum nih aku buat entry "Almost time" kan?
Aku buat entry tuh tengah malam Sabtu, kira awal pagi Ahad lah kan?
So petang semalam aku tergerak untuk buat kiraan.
Kan selalu 40 hari kan before ajal seseorang?
Semalam aku kira dari hari dia mula totally bedridden, sampai semalam, dah 39 hari.
Hari nih adalah hari ke 40.

And tak sangka perkiraan aku adalah betul.
Nenek aku dah kembali ke rahmatullah this morning.
Kira-kira 10 ke 15 minutes sebelum aku type entry nih.
Aku tengah tunggu Ayah aku amik dari office to go home and pack and off to Sibu.

Hmmmm.
Part of me rasa lega, sekarang dia dah tak suffer.
Part of me masih blur lagi.
So, I prolly not be going online for a week sebab akan ada di Sibu sampai malam ke-tujuh insyaAllah.

Kawan-kawan and family luar sana yang baca nih, aku mintak tolong sama-sama sedekahkan Al-fatihah dan bacaan Yassin dan Tahlil untuk Arwah Ramsah Bt Abd. Hamid.

Nenek, you will definitely be missed always and so much.

Al-fatihah.

Semoga kitak ditempatkan bersama orang beriman, Nek. Amin.

Almost time

As I expected, my Nenek is now on feeding tube.
She was admitted last few days, and just been discharged yesterday (Saturday).
Doctor said nothing much can be done.
She's getting worst.
And her organ begin shutting down, one by one :(

How scary right?
In 2 3 months, the cancerous cells had spread that fast.
Sadly, the specialist cannot find the first degree of it.
They said it's either her pelvic or somewhere else.
I don't know.

And she's now at home, in her room, monitored by my Aunts and cousins.
Mom said she's no more on the oxygen supply as she's on the feeding tube now.
Her condition is toooooooooo serious, that Mom said she'll be off to Sibu on Monday after sending my lil sis off for her first day of SPM.
I even overheard Mom talking to Cik about the food given through feeding tube cannot pass half the tube, meaning, her stomach cannot digest the food or something.
Hmmmm.

I guess it is no good for me to be crying.
Better recite Yassin right?
I don't want negative thoughts and vibes sent to her.
It's not helping her.
She should be given the strength, to at least ease her.

I actually dah tak tau nak react macam mana.
It's confusing you know.
Part of me hopes that she'll go soon, because I cannot stand seeing her suffer like that.
But another part of me still hoping for some miracle, for her to recover and be like before.
But it's all Allah's work.
Ajal maut dah tetap. Tak lambat sesaat, tak cepat sesaat.
Aku cuma mampu berdoa dipermudahkan urusan Nenek ku.
If she goes, she wont be suffering anymore.
But I'll suffer of missing her.
See?
Aku dah cakap, confusing lah these feelings I have right now.

In fact masa aku tengah type nih, aku rasa kosong.
Otak tak dapat nak fikir sangat.
Kecuali nak luah dekat cnih.
Ada rasa nak nangis, tapi masa yang sama ada rasa yang kuat yang tahan diri aku daripada menangis.
It's quite annoying lah perasaan nih.

Aku ada satu sikap buruk nih, pada padangan aku lah buruk tuh.
Aku kalau orang terdekat aku nazak macam Nenek sekarang nih, mula-mula dapat berita aku akan nangis and sedih gila-gila.
But after I went to see her, I am relieved. At least I know how she's doing, her condition.
Then, when I heard the news she's getting worst, I lost.
Blur entah ke mana menghilang pemikiran aku.
Aku tak rasa apa. Kosong.
Tapi if she goes, I know if I get to see her lying dead, unconscious, then, I will start crying so hard and so bad I couldn't stop.
That's me.
Orang cakap, I am living the moment.
Masa tuh baru aku rasa semua perasaan.
Sekarang aku masih kosong.
Help me.

Nenek is a ticking time bomb now.
Oh my, how I wish Kuching and Sibu is a walking distance.

Friends and families out there, and whoever is reading this, if you are a Muslim, please recite Yassin for her.

This is her. This year's Hari Raya Aidilfitri. Nenek with her cute lil bag, that she brought around anywhere coz the angpaus in there :) I miss talking to her :(

Pray for her ease. Pray that Allah gives her strength, simplified everything for her.
Hajjah Ramsah Binti Abd. Hamid.
That's my beloved Nenek.



Ya Allah, permudahkanlah urusan Nenek ku. Amin.

Off Aidiladha

Aidiladha kali nih tak semeriah dulu.
Maybe sebab Nenek tenat.
Celebrate macam biasa
Kumpul sesama family.
Makan ramai-ramai.
Makan tak henti pagi ke malam.
And of course, bergilir-gilir menjaga Nenek.

Kalau before nih dia terlantar tenat, tapi boleh lagi bercakap and request itu ini,
tapi sekarang dia dah tak boleh bercakap sangat.
Bukan tak boleh, tak larat.
Dia selalu cuba cakap, tapi our bad, kitorang tak dapat tangkap apa dia nak cakap.
She's too weak.
Dulu boleh lagi makan.
Sekarang dah tak dapat nak makan.
Minum jer.
Dia refuse untuk makan.
So, last Friday, dia kena hypo.
So weak she barely can open her eyes.
Menggelabah semua ha sebab dok kejut, dok goyang2 badan dia pun tak bangun.
Then dorang try gerakkan sikit her right shoulder, baru dia bangun, sebab sakit.

And aku bertolak dari Kuching ke Sibu hari Sabtu lepas, awal pagi pukul 6am.
Sampai Sibu around 12pm gitu.
Sampai-sampai jer masa salam Nenek tuh,
Ya Allah, badan dia panas melampau. Dia demam.
Masa tuh dorang bagi tau yang malam before tuh dia tak sedar.
Sebab since Khamis dia taknak makan and Jumaat tuh dia dah tak boleh bercakap.

So seharian Sabtu tuh aku lap-lap badan dia,
tekap dahi, tangan kaki dia dengan tuala basah.
Memang panas gila.
Berjam-jam aku buat semua tuh sebab nak cool her down.
Last resort, bagi dia panadol syrup budak-budak punya tuh.
Sejam lepas tuh baru dia ok ckit.
Kurang sikit, then letak Kool Fever,
dia pun tidur, tapi tak lena.

Malam tuh aku berjaga.
Tengok-tengokkan dia sebab dari siang bawak ke malam resah gelisah dia tuh.
Kejap-kejap dia bukak mata, tengok keliling.
Dari siang sampai ke malam.

And malam tuh masa aku jaga dia,
dia asyiklah bangun dua tiga kali.
Bangun macam orang tak mengantuk tuh.
Cuba bercakap something tapi aku tak dapat tangkap.
Dia tengokkkkk jer aku.
Mata dia tuh, sedih aku tengok.
Tapi lama-lama aku perasan, dia tengok arah aku, tapi bukan macam tengok aku.
Paham tak?

Siang tuh masa dia demam, dia ada panggil nama 2 orang.
Uma dan Ani.
Uma tuh adik dia, Nek Usu aku.
Ani pulak kakak dia, Nek Wa aku.
Dua-dua tuh dah meninggal.
Siang tuh memang dia duk panggil-panggil lah Nek Usu aku tuh macam Nek Usu aku ada kat situ pulak.
Udak aku cakap dia memang dari hari-hari sebelum tuh dia duk panggil Nek Usu aku.
Sebab dia rapat dengan Nek Usu aku tuh.

And malam tuh pulak, dia panggil lagi Ani.
Kak Ani lah.
Masa tuh aku berdiri sebelah katil dia, sebab nak betulkan oxygen tube dia tuh.
Biasanya aku duduk sebelah kanan dia, and kalau nak betulkan oxygen tube tuh aku kena amik position belah kiri dia.
So masa aku nak betulkan tuh, aku berdiri sebelah dia.
Elok jer aku baru nak betulkan, dia tengok aku.
Mata penuh kesian aku tengok.
Tetiba dia panggil aku Ani.
Maksud aku tengok ke arah aku and panggil aku Ani.

Memang confirm meremang lah segala bulu yang ada.
Sebab dia tengok aku tapi aku boleh nampak dalam mata dia macam dia takda dah dekat situ.
Macam pandangan kosong ke arah aku.
Orang cakap, bila seseorang tuh tenat sangat, roh-roh arwah saudara yang rapat akan datang ziarah.
Sama ada dalam mimpi atau dia dapat tengok in real.
And malam tuh aku baru perasan.
Tiap-tiap tengah malam, maksud aku pukul 12am ke atas jer, mesti Nenek akan bangun. *sepanjang aku pernah jaga dia malam2*
And mesti dia macam resah, or bercakap-cakap dalam tidur yang memang aku tak paham.

Tapi malam tuh dia duk panggil Ani ke arah aku tuh memang aku static berdiri kat ctuh jer sebab gelabah.
Lepas tuh aku macam cuba biasakan diri.
Yelah kalau betul dia nampak Nek Wa aku, buat apa aku nak seram melebih kan. Nenek sendiri jugak.
So aku pun biarkan jer dia bercakap-cakap.
Tapi kalau nampak dia sedih, aku cakap kat dia, tidur jer dulu.

Tak lama lepas tuh, dia panggil Bi pulak.
Aku tak tau siapa Bi.
Tapi dia panggil Bi.
Yang nih lagi aku takut.
Sebab adalah dalam 10mins or lebih dia dok panggil Bi.
Masa tuh dia bangun.
Celik.
Sambil tangan kiri dia melambai-lambai ke arah belah kiri katil dia tuh macam panggil orang.
Dia dok panggil macam kita panggil kawan-kawan kita dari jauh yang tak dengar kita panggil tuh.
Kalau kita panggil kawan seberang jalan ke, mesti kita macam panggil kuat-kuat sambil lambai kan?
Gitulah dia.
Macam nih lah "Biiii, ooooooooooooooo Biii. Biiiii. Biiiiiii. Biiii oooooo Biiii"
Sambil lambai-lambai.
Tak ke cuak aku yang duk belah kanan katil tuh sambil tengok arah kiri katil yang tak ada apa-apa cuma dressing table dengan cermin sebesar gajah.
Memang aku cuak. Sambil aku tengok sekeliling.
Huhuhuhuhu
Tapi lama-lama tuh aku kuatkan hati.
Aku doa jer lah.
Kalau betul dorang datang ziarah, kalau dengan mimpi arwah tuh Nenek boleh tidur and lupakan kesakitan dia sekejap, biarlah.
Hmmmmmm.
Esoknya aku tanya Udak siapa Bi.
Udak aku cakap, ibu mertua Nenek.
Udak panggil Nek Haji Ubi.
Kira moyang aku lah.
Emmmm.

Oh, before tuh, around after Isyak tuh, mak tukar urine catheter Nenek, lepas dah bagi dia mandi semua kan.
Aku tak boleh tengok ok.
Tak dapat. Tak sanggup.
Tapi aku kuatkan jugak semangat.
Yelah, aunty, uncle and cousin aku yang lain semua jenis tak dapat tengok yang macam tuh, so terpaksa aku kuatkan hati.
Kalau tak, sapa pulak yang nak pegang tangan Nenek masa Mak masukkan catheter tuh kan.
Kesian Nenek.
Kesakitan dia tuh masa masukkan tuh, sampai menangis dia. Kuat gila dia genggam tangan aku.
Aku tak dapat tengok.
Adik aku yang bongsu tuh muka rilek gila tolong Mak aku tukar.
Siap tanya macam-macam soalan lagi.
Macam budak medic baru belajar procedure tuh ok.
Aku pulak tengok muka nenek aku sambil usap kepala dia jer.
Tak mampu aku nak tengok Mak aku tukar tuh.
Adik aku dah tau macam-macam term ok untuk handle orang sakit nih.
Mak aku sebut jer nak apa, adik aku amik terus dari dalam beg supply tuh ha.
Dressing kit, apa perlu dibuat, semua adik aku tau.
Tinggal tak buat procedure jer.
Aku?
Melopong jer.
Tsk tsk tsk.

Kalau dengan mengadap Illahi adalah cara untuk Nenek aku berhenti terseksa, aku redha.
Tapi kalau belum ajalnya, akan aku sama-sama menjaga dia macam dia jaga aku masa aku baby dulu.
She's the only Nenek I ever have.
Belah ayah dah takda masa aku lahir.
So aku dapat kasih sayang Nenek dari dia jer.

Ya Allah, kau permudahkanlah urusannya. Amin.

*terlajak pulak. esok confirm liat nak pergi kerja*

Beloved Grandma is super sick :(

Have I mentioned anything before about my beloved grandma?
Well, she's the only grandparent I have.
Both of my grandparents on my Dad's side are dead.
And on my Mom's side, I only have my grandma.

About 4 months back, which was in May, I went to Sibu.
My grandma was all healthy and active doing her roti canai business,
Did the marvellous cooking, watching Indonesia's sinetrons on TV and walking around the house.
Except that every night she would complain that her right arm going up to her right shoulder was in pain.
I mean like achings lahh.
So she would ask me to massage a bit and put ointment on it.
Then she would put koyok there and just went to sleep.

My mom and my uncles and aunties were trying to get her to see the doctor,
but then she said, it was just normal body aches (she was too stubborn).
So they stopped forcing her to see the doctors.

Then about a month or 2 after that, she suddenly couldn't move her right arm at all.
My mom forced her to go to Kuching and see some specialist here.
So, she came here and did all the checked ups with the orthopedic.
At the time, the diagnosed was that she had very brittle bones.
Since she's 76, with all sort off hypertension, diabetic and what not,
it is too risky to do a biopsy or even to do any minor operations coz she wouldn't be able to recover fast enough. She will be in too much pain.
So, the doctor gave her splint for her arm since she couldn't move her right arm.
At that moment, she was still able to walk, but using walking stick, the four legged stick.

Then suddenly about a week ago, my mom received a call from my Aunt (Udak) who is living with my grandma telling her that my grandma suddenly going into bedridden. She even have to use the diapers.
So my aunt, Mok (who's living in Sibu) called the ambulance.
She was admitted last Tuesday (4/10/2011) and my Mom went straight to Sibu the same night.
And my other Aunts and Uncles went the next day.

Her condition was so serious that she couldn't even move.
She's totally bedridden.
They have to put catheter for her to urinate.
She don't want to eat.
Refuse to take her prescriptions.
She behave just like a baby.
Whining on everything.
Refusing everything.
She only want her youngest child which is my Usu to fed her.

She hates my mother, ok, not hate but dislike, coz my mother is the one that forcing her to take her meds, the one giving bath, the one talking to the docs, the one dressing the bedsore oh her back. Simple word, acting like a daughter cum nurse.
So yeah, my Mom has to do the hardest part of all, that is why the dislike.

The worst part is, I am ok if she's sleeping.
I would hold her other hand.
Caress her hand, her forehead.
Even if I called her, she's so sound asleep she didn't want to wake up.
But when she's awake, I avoid her, especially her eye contact.

I know she'll always ask for me.
She always does.
But I can't make eye contact with her.
Everytime I see her, seeing me, it is like she's asking me for help.
Her eyes. It is a sad eyes.
Full of sadness.
I cried everytime I see her, seeing me helplessly.
I cried non-stop.
I got into our car, I cried again.
Everytime the image of her doing that popped into my mind, I cried.
I cried randomly at random places.
In the office.
In the car on the way back to Kuching.
At home while surfing the net, I cried.

She has been diagnosed with second stage multiple myeloma.
In English, cancer of the plasma cells in bone marrow.
It has spread to her lungs.
She can't move her legs.
The cancer cells also attack her bones.
Nothing much can be done.
My Mom said, she's now on TLC condition.
Tender, loving and care.
All we have to do is only take care of her as long as she's alive :(
Last 2 days, she had 2 pints of blood into her body.
The white blood cells is too much.
The oxygen level went 80%, that they have to put her on oxygen mask.

Ya Allah, she is so helpless.
Yesterday she was asking for roti john for her dinner.
She had never demand anything.
And now she got all the teringin mode on.
I am so sad.

I feel like quitting the job and go back to Sibu to take care of her.
Mom said today maybe she'll be discharged, depending on her oxygen level.
I am having the thoughts of caring for her,
But I am not sure if I am capable of doing it since I can't stand seeing her all sick and helpless.
Next week my Mom is going to Sibu with my other Aunt, Anjang.
So I said to Mom that I wanted to tag along.

Nenek, please be strong.
Please wait for me.
I wanted to take her for my graduation, but too bad, she's too sick.
I wanted to show her my graduation photos.
She haven't seen it yet.

Ya Allah, please give strengths to my Grandma.
Please give us all some more time with her.
I need her to see me getting permanent job.
I want to give her my very 1st permanent salary.
I want to be there with her when the time comes.
Please, Ya Allah.

I can't imagine my life without Nenek.
I can't picture myself going back to Sibu, and Nenek is not there.
From my childhood time till I am 23, everytime I am back in Sibu, I will sleep with Nenek.
If Nenek is not around, who else I am going to sleep with?
Who else will I talk to before bedtime?
Who else will cook curry with extra potatoes just because she knew how much I love potatoes?
Who else will stock up her fridge with all sort of veges just because she knew I love veges?
And most of all, who will smile happily when she sees me around, coming home to Sibu just to see her?

Ya Allah, I miss her so much already.
I want to see her :(