Almost time

As I expected, my Nenek is now on feeding tube.
She was admitted last few days, and just been discharged yesterday (Saturday).
Doctor said nothing much can be done.
She's getting worst.
And her organ begin shutting down, one by one :(

How scary right?
In 2 3 months, the cancerous cells had spread that fast.
Sadly, the specialist cannot find the first degree of it.
They said it's either her pelvic or somewhere else.
I don't know.

And she's now at home, in her room, monitored by my Aunts and cousins.
Mom said she's no more on the oxygen supply as she's on the feeding tube now.
Her condition is toooooooooo serious, that Mom said she'll be off to Sibu on Monday after sending my lil sis off for her first day of SPM.
I even overheard Mom talking to Cik about the food given through feeding tube cannot pass half the tube, meaning, her stomach cannot digest the food or something.
Hmmmm.

I guess it is no good for me to be crying.
Better recite Yassin right?
I don't want negative thoughts and vibes sent to her.
It's not helping her.
She should be given the strength, to at least ease her.

I actually dah tak tau nak react macam mana.
It's confusing you know.
Part of me hopes that she'll go soon, because I cannot stand seeing her suffer like that.
But another part of me still hoping for some miracle, for her to recover and be like before.
But it's all Allah's work.
Ajal maut dah tetap. Tak lambat sesaat, tak cepat sesaat.
Aku cuma mampu berdoa dipermudahkan urusan Nenek ku.
If she goes, she wont be suffering anymore.
But I'll suffer of missing her.
See?
Aku dah cakap, confusing lah these feelings I have right now.

In fact masa aku tengah type nih, aku rasa kosong.
Otak tak dapat nak fikir sangat.
Kecuali nak luah dekat cnih.
Ada rasa nak nangis, tapi masa yang sama ada rasa yang kuat yang tahan diri aku daripada menangis.
It's quite annoying lah perasaan nih.

Aku ada satu sikap buruk nih, pada padangan aku lah buruk tuh.
Aku kalau orang terdekat aku nazak macam Nenek sekarang nih, mula-mula dapat berita aku akan nangis and sedih gila-gila.
But after I went to see her, I am relieved. At least I know how she's doing, her condition.
Then, when I heard the news she's getting worst, I lost.
Blur entah ke mana menghilang pemikiran aku.
Aku tak rasa apa. Kosong.
Tapi if she goes, I know if I get to see her lying dead, unconscious, then, I will start crying so hard and so bad I couldn't stop.
That's me.
Orang cakap, I am living the moment.
Masa tuh baru aku rasa semua perasaan.
Sekarang aku masih kosong.
Help me.

Nenek is a ticking time bomb now.
Oh my, how I wish Kuching and Sibu is a walking distance.

Friends and families out there, and whoever is reading this, if you are a Muslim, please recite Yassin for her.

This is her. This year's Hari Raya Aidilfitri. Nenek with her cute lil bag, that she brought around anywhere coz the angpaus in there :) I miss talking to her :(

Pray for her ease. Pray that Allah gives her strength, simplified everything for her.
Hajjah Ramsah Binti Abd. Hamid.
That's my beloved Nenek.



Ya Allah, permudahkanlah urusan Nenek ku. Amin.