Beloved Grandma is super sick :(

Have I mentioned anything before about my beloved grandma?
Well, she's the only grandparent I have.
Both of my grandparents on my Dad's side are dead.
And on my Mom's side, I only have my grandma.

About 4 months back, which was in May, I went to Sibu.
My grandma was all healthy and active doing her roti canai business,
Did the marvellous cooking, watching Indonesia's sinetrons on TV and walking around the house.
Except that every night she would complain that her right arm going up to her right shoulder was in pain.
I mean like achings lahh.
So she would ask me to massage a bit and put ointment on it.
Then she would put koyok there and just went to sleep.

My mom and my uncles and aunties were trying to get her to see the doctor,
but then she said, it was just normal body aches (she was too stubborn).
So they stopped forcing her to see the doctors.

Then about a month or 2 after that, she suddenly couldn't move her right arm at all.
My mom forced her to go to Kuching and see some specialist here.
So, she came here and did all the checked ups with the orthopedic.
At the time, the diagnosed was that she had very brittle bones.
Since she's 76, with all sort off hypertension, diabetic and what not,
it is too risky to do a biopsy or even to do any minor operations coz she wouldn't be able to recover fast enough. She will be in too much pain.
So, the doctor gave her splint for her arm since she couldn't move her right arm.
At that moment, she was still able to walk, but using walking stick, the four legged stick.

Then suddenly about a week ago, my mom received a call from my Aunt (Udak) who is living with my grandma telling her that my grandma suddenly going into bedridden. She even have to use the diapers.
So my aunt, Mok (who's living in Sibu) called the ambulance.
She was admitted last Tuesday (4/10/2011) and my Mom went straight to Sibu the same night.
And my other Aunts and Uncles went the next day.

Her condition was so serious that she couldn't even move.
She's totally bedridden.
They have to put catheter for her to urinate.
She don't want to eat.
Refuse to take her prescriptions.
She behave just like a baby.
Whining on everything.
Refusing everything.
She only want her youngest child which is my Usu to fed her.

She hates my mother, ok, not hate but dislike, coz my mother is the one that forcing her to take her meds, the one giving bath, the one talking to the docs, the one dressing the bedsore oh her back. Simple word, acting like a daughter cum nurse.
So yeah, my Mom has to do the hardest part of all, that is why the dislike.

The worst part is, I am ok if she's sleeping.
I would hold her other hand.
Caress her hand, her forehead.
Even if I called her, she's so sound asleep she didn't want to wake up.
But when she's awake, I avoid her, especially her eye contact.

I know she'll always ask for me.
She always does.
But I can't make eye contact with her.
Everytime I see her, seeing me, it is like she's asking me for help.
Her eyes. It is a sad eyes.
Full of sadness.
I cried everytime I see her, seeing me helplessly.
I cried non-stop.
I got into our car, I cried again.
Everytime the image of her doing that popped into my mind, I cried.
I cried randomly at random places.
In the office.
In the car on the way back to Kuching.
At home while surfing the net, I cried.

She has been diagnosed with second stage multiple myeloma.
In English, cancer of the plasma cells in bone marrow.
It has spread to her lungs.
She can't move her legs.
The cancer cells also attack her bones.
Nothing much can be done.
My Mom said, she's now on TLC condition.
Tender, loving and care.
All we have to do is only take care of her as long as she's alive :(
Last 2 days, she had 2 pints of blood into her body.
The white blood cells is too much.
The oxygen level went 80%, that they have to put her on oxygen mask.

Ya Allah, she is so helpless.
Yesterday she was asking for roti john for her dinner.
She had never demand anything.
And now she got all the teringin mode on.
I am so sad.

I feel like quitting the job and go back to Sibu to take care of her.
Mom said today maybe she'll be discharged, depending on her oxygen level.
I am having the thoughts of caring for her,
But I am not sure if I am capable of doing it since I can't stand seeing her all sick and helpless.
Next week my Mom is going to Sibu with my other Aunt, Anjang.
So I said to Mom that I wanted to tag along.

Nenek, please be strong.
Please wait for me.
I wanted to take her for my graduation, but too bad, she's too sick.
I wanted to show her my graduation photos.
She haven't seen it yet.

Ya Allah, please give strengths to my Grandma.
Please give us all some more time with her.
I need her to see me getting permanent job.
I want to give her my very 1st permanent salary.
I want to be there with her when the time comes.
Please, Ya Allah.

I can't imagine my life without Nenek.
I can't picture myself going back to Sibu, and Nenek is not there.
From my childhood time till I am 23, everytime I am back in Sibu, I will sleep with Nenek.
If Nenek is not around, who else I am going to sleep with?
Who else will I talk to before bedtime?
Who else will cook curry with extra potatoes just because she knew how much I love potatoes?
Who else will stock up her fridge with all sort of veges just because she knew I love veges?
And most of all, who will smile happily when she sees me around, coming home to Sibu just to see her?

Ya Allah, I miss her so much already.
I want to see her :(